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Friday, May 17, 2013

Cuando estás en el final de la cuerda Parenting


Ayer fue difícil para nosotros. Uno de nuestros hijos tenían percepciones por fusión bajadas continuas y el mal y nos hizo nuestra cena en tiempo casi insoportable. Otro niño enchufado orejas y dejó la mesa en un momento sólo para escapar del caos.   Sorprendentemente , no perdió los estribos. (Inserte aquí aplausos). 

Admitir esto al público es algo atrevido, y si yo era el tipo sensible que no podía hacerlo . Todo el mundo piensa que saben cómo manejar a un niño con necesidades especiales ... hasta que lo tiene. Yo confiaba en mi crianza hasta que la vida nos lanzó una curva.  podría haber aconsejado a todos los padres por ahí exactamente cómo manejar cada acción disciplinaria posible imaginable.Yo era creativa, valiente, inquebrantable, obstinado incluso.   era una mamá a tener en cuenta.

Y luego tuvimos un niño que no encaja en el molde. No rodar con los golpes.  Él no 'get' nuestro método.  Él no conforme, presentar, responde o parece incluso entender la causa y el efecto de la disciplina! Si alguno de nuestros hijos demostraron la rebelión en contra de nosotros nos diéramos cuenta y fue abordado inmediatamente.   Con un niño con necesidades especiales a menudo se da cuenta de que, aunque sus respuestas son inapropiadas, que a menudo su respuesta es el dolor o malestar en vez de un centro de rebelión.  

Cada niño es único y este es el punto exacto de la dificultad de ser padres. Un modelo singular - que apunta a resultados como galletas - no es 100% a prueba de tontos. Uno de los a-ha! momentos para mí fue cuando vi a un niño menor de nuestro supere una más antigua en la estabilidad emocional y la madurez.   De repente me di cuenta de que el nivel de desarrollo en uno de nuestros hijos fue año tras otro!   Y sin embargo, yo había esperado que él responde con la madurez adecuada.   

¿Me excuso su mal comportamiento?  De ninguna manera. ¿He entendido de manera diferente que antes?  .  ¿Cómo uno se ocupa de un niño de dos años de edad, será diferente a veces que un niño de seis años de edad. Pero si su hijo de seis años de edad, no está avanzando más allá de dos emocionalmente, volviendo al modelo de dos años de edad, puede ser una opción. 

Yo ni siquiera me gusta el término 'necesidades especiales', pero voy a tener que utilizarla para mayor comodidad. Dios diseñó cada uno completo con nuestras fortalezas y debilidades. Sé que tiene razones de esto. Independientemente de las razones, que sólo puede ser agotador a veces.

Cuando miro a nuestra situación y quiero quejarme me reprendí a mi espíritu. Es agotador. Es más creo que puedo manejar. Rezo por la sabiduría.  Rezo para el cambio . Rezo por el crecimiento - a veces más por mis hijos que para mí ("¿No estoy hecho cada vez más, Señor ¿no crees que ya he tenido suficiente de crecimiento por ahora?" Y casi puedo sentir su sonrisa amorosa que Él oye mi del corazón). 

frustraciones vienen porque la vida no es lo que esperamos.  Queremos diferente. Por lo menos, yo sólo quiero un descanso a veces . Esta es la disciplina de tener hijos - que a veces hay tramos largos sin interrupciones. Las familias aseado-little-ordenada-paquetes que hacen todo bien y la vida orquestar para ejecutarse en un horario totalmente predecible han recibido una gracia especial de Dios misericordioso que elude el resto de nosotros. (¿Existen esas familias? Tal vez, todavía estoy buscando!) Rutinas, la organización y los horarios son grandesy todo ... no me malinterpreten. Lo que quiero decir es que a veces la vida se complica aún, se cae a pedazos y los niños siguen haciendo las cosas mal el uno al otro y que, ya menos que usted vive en un cuento de hadas que se a veces dan ganas de gritar y tirar de los pelos - no, lo dicho: tire su  . pelo 

En esos momentos yo estoy orando por la paz y la calma y la presencia de ánimo . 'Stay encima de la refriega "me digo. 'No te arrastrado a esto. " "Que el drama permanecer donde está - con ellos. ' " Alguien  tiene que mantener la calma. Que sea usted como mamá. " 

Pero al final del día puedo no tener todas las respuestas.  Puede haber un tiempo para simplemente mételos en la cama, orar por ellos y rascarse la espalda, inclusocuando no lo hacen merecerlo.

Y me recuerda que sus misericordias son nuevas cada M orning. 

Grande es su fidelidad ...


Incluso cuando usted es una mamá que lucha.

When You're At the End of Your Parenting Rope

Yesterday was hard for us.  One of our children had continual melt-downs and wrong perceptions and made our dinner-time almost unbearable.  Another kid plugged his ears and left the table at one point just to get away from the mayhem.  Amazingly, I didn't lose my temper.  (Insert applause here).

Admitting this to the public is somewhat bold, and if I was the sensitive type I couldn't do it.  Everyone thinks they know how to handle a special-needs kid...until they have one.  I was confident in my parenting until life threw us a curveball.  I could have advised every parent out there exactly how to handle every possible disciplinary action imaginable.  I was creative, courageous, unyielding, stiff-necked even.  I was a Mom to be reckoned with.

And then we had a child who didn't fit the mold.  He didn't roll with the punches.  He didn't 'get' our method.  He didn't conform, submit, respond or seem to even understand the cause and effect of discipline!  If any of our kids demonstrated rebellion against us we knew it and it was addressed immediately.  With a special-needs child you often realize that though their responses are inappropriate, that often their response is from pain or distress rather than a heart of rebellion.  

Each child is unique and this is the exact point of the difficulty of parenting.  A singular model - that aims for cookie-cutter results - is not 100% foolproof.  One of the a-ha! moments for me was when I saw a younger child of ours exceed an older one in emotional stability and maturity.  Suddenly it dawned on me that the level of development in one of our kids was years behind another!  And yet I had expected him to respond with appropriate maturity.  

Did I excuse his misbehaviour?  Absolutely not.  Did I understand it differently than before?  Yes.  How one deals with a two-year-old will be different at times than a six-year-old.  But if your six-year-old isn't progressing beyond two emotionally, going back to the two-year-old model may be an option.

I don't even like the term 'special-needs' but I'll have to use it for convenience.  God designed each of us complete with our strengths and weaknesses.  I know He has reasons in this.  Regardless of the reasons, it can just be exhausting at times.

When I look at our situation and want to complain I am rebuked in my spirit.  It is tiring.  It is more than I think I can handle.  I pray for wisdom.  I pray for change.  I pray for growth - sometimes more for my kids than for me ('Am I not done growing, Lord?  Don't you think I've had enough growth for now?'  And I can almost feel His loving smile as He hears my heart).

Frustrations come because life isn't what we expect.  We want it different.  At the very least, I just want a break sometimes.  This is the discipline of having children - that sometimes there are long stretches with no breaks.  The neat-little-tidy-package families that do everything right and orchestrate life to run on a thoroughly predictable schedule have received a special merciful grace from God that eludes the rest of us.  (Do those families exist?  Maybe, I'm still looking!)  Routines, organization and schedules are great and all...don't get me wrong.  What I'm saying is that sometimes life still gets messy, falls apart and kids still do wrong things to each other and to you and unless you live in a fairy tale you will at times want to scream and pull your hair out - no, I take that back: pull their hair out.

In those moments I am praying for peace and calm and presence of mind.  'Stay above the fray' I tell myself.  'Don't get dragged into this.' 'Let the drama remain where it is - with them.'  'Someone has to keep calm.  Let it be you as the Mom.'

But at the end of the day I may just not have all the answers.  There may be a time to simply tuck them in bed, pray over them and scratch their backs even when they don't deserve it.

And I am reminded that His Mercies Are NEW EVERY Morning.

Great is His faithfulness...


Even when you're a struggling Mom.

Monday, April 29, 2013

2nd Biggest Frugal Tip EVER!!!

Just over a year ago I did a post called Biggest Frugal Tip Ever and so far it has been my most popular one yet.  Which got me to thinking...what would be my 2nd Biggest Frugal Tip?

Being frugal usually means I'm looking to spend less, save more, re-create and re-purpose things... I'm trying to stretch the dollar and other resources and make do with less - that sort of thing.  And I thought of certain recipes I do and how I go meatless often and extend ground beef with this and that and use cloth diapers and such.  And how I budget for groceries and make it work somehow and stick to it and sometimes have enough to splurge on things like juice on occasion.

And suddenly it dawned on me.  My SECOND biggest frugal tip ever.  We learned that the first biggest frugal tip is really summed up in one word: contentment.  With a foundation of contentment and rejoicing in the providence of God for all that I need I am then able to go on to implement the next step of frugality.

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GENEROSITY.

Wait a minute (I hear you say).  I thought this was about being frugal.  What does generosity have to do with saving money?  EVERYTHING.  Because I find that being frugal can lend itself to being stingy.  To being penny-pinching when it comes to the outflow of resources.  In being frugal I can become almost TOO aware of the limits of my resources.  In being too aware I can forget that God is liberal in His grace and lavish in His blessings.  I can forget that He owns the cattle on a thousand hills, the earth and everything in it (including me, by the way).  People who are frugal are often conservative - somehow thinking that conserving things is so wonderful.  I suppose it is, but when it comes to generosity I'd like to err on the side of liberality.  Because in being generous I somehow become more frugal.

How does that work?  For me it works in that as generosity flows out I learn greater disciplines of frugality - I learn how to stretch things to make it work for us.  And if I run out of what I think I need I am challenged to either rely on God's provision of our needs or to re-evaluate what I deemed was a 'need' in the first place.

Frugality is good.  By all means, stretch your dollar.  But not so that you can hoard your stuff.  Stretch yourself so you can give more.  I guarantee that in increasing your generosity you will grow in leaps and bounds in frugality in ways you never knew was possible.

In generosity you discover more of the heart of God Who lavishes blessing upon blessing upon us in abundance.  He came that we might have life - and life more abundant.  Not life more stingy.  Not life more fearful of looming disaster and, 'will we have enough canned goods and bottled water?'  He came to bring life free from fear and worry.  Look at the lillies of the field and birds of the air - aren't they better dressed than we are?  And He feeds and clothes them.  And we think we need to scrimp, scrounge and save because He can't handle our day-to-day needs? Really?

Try a little generosity and then get back to me with the results.  I'd like to see how your frugality grows when you become more generous.  Because for me - generosity opens my heart to receive from God His abundance, not just materially but spiritually as well - as I discover what a good, kind, loving, gracious Father He is.  He gives to me without withholding. Oh to be more like Him.

Channels only blessed Master but with all Your wondrous power -
Flowing through us You can use us, every day and every hour!

Emptied that You should now fill me - a clean vessel in Your hand!
With no power but as You give me - perfectly with each command!

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

How I told Sam about #5

I was just reading someone else's blog about how they found out they were pregnant.  And since I've had five experiences of this sort I thought I should make a record of them.

So it was January of 2011.  Andrew was just shy of 2 years old and we were feeling the exhaustion of being parents of 4.  Sam and I were just beginning to discuss if we were a) believers in birth control b) willing to act on that belief c) ready to act immediately and declare ourselves through with childbearing.  We were unsettled on all three.  But we prayed...and discussed.

Did we want another baby?

Well, I secretly did.  But I couldn't say that directly.  I really wanted another girl.  I'd look at other families and if there were just two kids - two girls, I'd think, 'She has something I don't have!'  Is that coveting?  I didn't feel it was.  It was a matter of laying my heart bare before God and letting Him know my longing and trusting Him with that.

I do know that you can get pregnant with umpteen babies and they all turn out boys.  I am also well aware that my heavenly Father knows my heart and desires and chooses what is best for us.

Though I did want another baby, I wasn't sure my body could take it.  Gestational diabetes was worsening with each pregnancy.  I wasn't sure it was wise to embark on another pregnancy.  So I wasn't sure we would have anymore.  I knew I could be content with the children God had already blessed us with.

Sam and I discussed in bed many evenings - should we?  Shouldn't we?  Why?  Why not?  Sam would talk of being old and frail when going to our kids high school graduations.  He talked of them shooting hoops and us having arthritic knees.  I talked of never regretting it.  I talked of the benefits of large families.  We gently laid out the pros and cons carefully.

I had some mild bleeding which I chalked up to a regular cycle.  But it stopped short - only a day or two.  A week later I got a bad headache.  An ice-cream headache, very reminiscent of pregnancy for me.  I thought, 'I just had a period.  There's no way...'

But the headache didn't let up.  'I know, I'll just grab one of those dollar store pregnancy tests out of the back of the closet from three years ago.  Then at least I'll have peace of mind.'

Well, what was supposed to give me peace of mind - it didn't.

I really only took the test to make sure life was still on the 'normal chaotic' setting.  Though we were discussing the matter, we had not come to any decision and we weren't in the market for an immediate answer to our debate.

The two lines appeared almost immediately.  My thoughts whirled.  This is crazy.  Who has five kids?  People who don't know any better, right?  Four is scary, five would be overwhelming.  What will we do now?  How will I ever tell Sam?  Andrew was a surprise too - do you get to have two surprises?!
Guess it's too late now.  But wait, I had bleeding.  Maybe something is up.  I don't know how to tell him...  I'll wait and pray.

And wait I did.

Two.

Whole.

WEEKS.

Yup, I kept it a secret that long - longest time I've ever kept a secret.  (I'm terrible at secrets, just so you know).

But the two weeks were well spent.  Knowing what I knew I was able to carry on in the discussion throwing in my nonchalant two-cents in favor of more babies.

Yes, this is manipulative.  This is not what I would recommend.  It's better to be open and honest always.  It is probably terribly mean of me to have kept it from him.  But I was just more than a little freaked out.  I hate being pregnant (other than when people ask when the baby is due, there really is a baby due - that part I don't mind).

I get sick.  Tired.  Irritable.  Temporarily and dangerously diabetic.  I have to diet.  Scrupulous carb counting.  Stair running after meals to keep sugars in check.  Oodles of Dr. visits.

I finally couldn't hold out any longer.  I was gaining a very guilty conscience about my deception (my omission of telling Sam the reality of the situation).  I thought I should figure some special way to tell him or who knows... but the urgency was building.  The longer I kept the secret, the more urgent it became.  Then, how would I tell him how long I'd known?  This is why it's a bad idea.  It just was not good.  Don't do it if you're in this situation!

We were again talking about, 'should we have more?' and we had always talked about what God might want for us.  Would God have anything to say on the matter?  And that night, two weeks after I found out I said, 'Sam, I think God has given us His answer.'

And that was all it took for me to tell Sam that baby #5 was on the way.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Steel Cut Oats for Breakfast [recipe]

This morning as part of our discussion on nutrition I showed Priscilla 4 forms of oats: a whole oat grain (represented by a barley grain since I didn't have a whole oat laying around), steel cut oats, old fashioned rolled oats and quick oats.  I demonstrated how the body breaks these down and the larger the particle the slower the process and the less impact it will have on energy surges and crashes (sugar highs and lows).  I showed how the fat grain of a whole oat takes longer to reach the middle and completely break down into sugar/starch than the quick oat - or even if it were ground to a pulp as oat flour.  We talked about fiber, fat and protein as beneficial to maintaining steady blood sugar levels.  Neither of us is diabetic, but it runs in the family so I figured an introduction to the subject matter was warranted.  In order to steady blood sugar levels I said, 'Add some fat, fiber and protein.'  So we made steel cut oats for breakfast.  With butter-sauteed pecans for pizzazz.

3 cups water
1/2 cup steel cut oats
2 T brown sugar
1/2 t. salt
1/4 t. vanilla
2 T half & half

Let that all simmer for about 20 mins - less for a bit of crunch, longer for a smoother texture

Meanwhile, in a separate pan, put about 1/2 c. broken pecan pieces (chop a few times or just bang on a counter inside a baggie), 1 T brown sugar and slowly raise the heat.  Watch it or it burns quickly!  As soon as the sugar is melty and bit brown, drop in 1/2 T. butter.  Let it melt and stir quickly.  (Should sizzle a bit).  Don't let it burn!  As soon as butter is melted, stir it into the oatmeal or just spread on top.

Serve immediately with a nice hot cup of tea.

(We had strawberries, blackberries and grapes as a side).

Happy Homeschooling!!!

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

I take that back...about guilt...

Here I am eating humble pie.  If only it would truly make me humble.

So much for not having Mommy-guilt.

I spoke too soon.

Because at supper tonight Timothy was reluctant to eat his refried beans and cilantro rice.  Never mind the leftover salmon crepes.  All he wanted was applesauce and PB&J, which clearly was not on the menu.

So then I urged him to eat just one bite.  He would have none of it.  Then the crisis comes.  Is this a battle I want to wage?  Do I really care if he eats the beans and rice?  Is it worth it?  Am I a bad Mom if I back off?

The debate goes on in my head: should I make an issue of this?  My instinct says NO.  I wouldn't want to be forced to eat when I don't want to, nor would I want to be forced to eat something I don't particularly care for.  But I am not a child and have developed a wide range of appetites for varied consumables.  Don't I want my kid to be as versatile in epicurean delights as my highly developed self?!  At this point in the evening I didn't really care.  Then I feel like a whimpy Mom.

This is the kind of fake guilt I'm talking about.  I imagined a friend of mine with a healthy sense of boundaries over herself and her kids.  I thought surely she would get her kid to eat the beans.  (Here begins fallacy no. 2: comparing).  Maybe I should be as firm and consistent as she is.  Then I thought of her child.  Poor child.  Having such a force to reckon with.  (Begin fallacy #Ilostcount: criticism of the Mom you're secretly jealous of).

I mean, if I want to eat applesauce over rice and beans, I simply help myself to the applesauce.  Why should I expect different from my child.  Because he's a child, not an adult - that's why.  I go round and round.  I play silly games in my head.  This is a waste of time.

Because ultimately kids grow up even if they didn't get forced into eating their beans and rice.  Mommy-guilt tries to pull us into focussing on the non-essentials of motherhood.  These are valid issues, for sure.  Just do they need to consume us?  I think not.

So, from one not-generally-guilty Mom to another: I do  know what it means to have Mommy guilt.

Now, do you have any suggestions for me as to the matter of the rice and beans?  I'm all ears.


Mommy Guilt...or Not

I hear about this concept of Mommy guilt.  Here's a guilty confession for you:  I rarely - and I mean very RARELY ever feel guilt.  Now that I have alienated my audience thoroughly, let me clarify.

When I feel guilt - a healthy, 'I should do better, be better, change in this area...' type of guilt - I feel great joy and hope abounds in my soul.  I thank the Lord that I am alive and well and that there is some sense within me of a common bond with all mankind.  It happens so rarely that I sometimes wonder if I shouldn't feel more of it.  But I so very much want any guilt I feel to be rooted in a true sense of God's ideal for me as His child.  Don't get me wrong - there is probably so much more guilt I should feel (relatives: no need to chime in here with all the things you'd like me to feel guilty for!)  I just rejoice when God reveals to me clearly how He wants me to change and gives me hope and courage to take steps in the right direction.

So I hear about Mommy guilt and I think, 'Oh no, I won't take that on!'  Unless the voice of God's Holy Spirit whispers, full of grace and truth, 'You should sense some guilt and seek to change in this area...' then I am not about to take the bait.  Guilt is just a waste of time, unless it is Spirit-driven.  I'm sure God wants us to feel guilt when we sin.  And that should drive us all the more to Him to seek His grace and mercy to help in our time of need.  But Mommy-guilt?

Usually Mommy-guilt is laden with fear, worry and comparing.  None of these are things Scripture seems to condone for us as a moral compass.  Usually it is a waste of time and energy because (and hear me now!)

BECAUSE...

IT DISTRACTS US FROM OUR TRUE CALLING.

If I can spend hours, moments, and emotional energies worrying if I gave my kid enough organic baby-food or saved the planet from too many synthetic materials, or fear for my child's safety because of the mysterious microscopic elements trace-laden in our foods, or compare my child's progress endlessly to the Tiger-Mom's super-kid who is a piano virtuoso by the age of 3, I can while away my days accomplishing nothing more than engendering a snobby, 'I-have-the-world-handed-to-me', fear/worry laden attitude in my child.  Does my child hear me say, 'If only...' or 'I hope we don't get cancer from that...' or 'So-and-so has the new organic non-plastic, non-hazardous toothbrush - maybe we should get one?'?  Now, am I beginning to impose Mommy-guilt here?!  NO!!! Nooooooooooooo.....


God gave your children to you and in His wisdom He wants you to nurture and raise them according to His wisdom and truth.  This will look different because He uniquely created you with your personality and style and amazingly, kids seem to do okay with a great variety of parenting styles.  Kids who eat non-organic tend to do fine!  (The vast majority of the world's kids do!)  Kids who skip the music lessons still have soul, gift, and beautiful personhood to contribute to the world!

My style just happens to be a no-guilt style.  I cherish guilt.  The right kind.  I easily and quickly discard lame, others-inspired, comparison, imposed guilt.

Now, that said, you're welcome to hang onto your Mommy-guilt if it really makes you feel better.  I just have enough to do with the day-to-day than to take on an added burden of worry and fear.  Be my guest in that department.  Just don't invite me to join your party.